Dear Terri (or A Letter to the PM #2)

Dear Terri,

Well here we are again, me writing to you, you not replying. It's fine, I'm not upset, I know you're very busy. You really have got your hands full with this running the country lark; rather you than me. Is it what you expected it to be? I suspect not. I suspect you thought you'd be having some lovely girly chats over a civilised cup of tea (served in bone china cups and drunk with pinky sticking out) with that Hilary girl. Still, you seem to have made friends with the Orange one quite easily.

I got a lovely e-mail from your offices the other day saying that your Orange friend will be visiting Blighty, and will be meeting our super lovely Queen. I'd really rather you weren't inflicting the school bully on our lovely Queen, but you seem to have made your mind up.

Now I realise that this is your new friend and you're probably looking forward to his visit, but I am very apprehensive about it. I'm not sure this 'special' friendship is a very positive one. Let's be honest, Terri, your new chum, is well, shall we say high maintenance. I've had to reduce the amount of time I spend watching the news or visiting the good old BBC News website because your friend is there, all the time and, quite frankly, he's not at all endearing. I do hope you're planning on teaching him some good old fashioned manners before you inflict him upon Queenie, otherwise I fear the corgis may show their displeasure and pee up his leg, or just bite his orange ankles.

However, since he is popping over could you let me know what the etiquette for greeting the Orange one will be. I know it's a way off, but I like to be prepared. Should I bulk buy orange paint from Homebase now so I can literally paint the town orange?

Also, will I be expected to partake of the bad spray tan and don a dodgy blond wig? If you could possibly arrange the visit for October time, that would be fabulous. I know your friend was a little disappointed with the low turn out for his inauguration, so I was thinking we could make up for it when he visits with thousands of these little chaps...

What do you think? If you give us enough notice, we should be able to rally the troops, so to speak, and give them different expressions.

Anyway, I just wanted to thank you for the kind response from your offices, it's always a real boost to know that you do indeed listen to the people and whilst I may not be happy that you are going ahead with a full state visit, I completely understand why you are unable to do a u-turn. Hence I am now fully embracing it, so if you could get back re my queries, that would be rather fab.

Lots of love and hugs,

Little Orange Dog

xxx