Why I Struggle With Faith

Years ago, I could never have envisioned sitting down and writing a post like this and the reason I am writing it now, is people have asked me about my faith (or not, as the case may be). Turn the clock back and I was totally committed and involved in my church. I read my Bible daily and used Bible Study notes. I only listened to Christian worship music and I only socialised with people from church (because that's really healthy - not). I had no doubts, I had no questions. This was my life and this was my supportive church family, people who would always be there for me.
So what happened? Me! That's what happened, I broke, I made mistakes, I broke some more and I couldn't cope with life. I was desperately unhappy and incredibly lonely. I was diagnosed as suffering from mild to moderate depression and underwent CBT (Cognitive Behaviour Therapy). Anybody in the same boat, if you are offered CBT, I highly recommend it. It helped me to recognise my triggers and to manage them. One of my triggers was busy places and this included church, which explained why mid service, every week, I would have a panic attack and have to literally run out of the building (in tears); it was not, as one rather helpful member of the church family told me, to get attention - when you are depressed the last thing you want is to be made the focus of everyone's attention.

Of course, the church family rallied around to support me...did they heck? One or two lovely people did, but the rest, the people I'd called friends just dropped me like a stone. Suddenly, the invites out were gone and that included my children (both of whom have now decided they have no faith). I realise that my behaviour at the time was erratic and not my normal, but these are the people I had expected to at least try to understand. After all it's all about supporting one another on our spiritual journey.

Now, I realise that this should not have damaged my faith, after all this wasn't God, this was people and hey, we all mess up and get things wrong, but it did have an effect, rightly or wrongly. It hurt more than I can say, it made me lose faith in people and left me trusting only a handful of friends. Amazingly, I still continued to attend church, though I 'felt' like an outcast (I accept that I may not have been, but it is how I felt) with few people who would speak to me, but it wasn't the same and eventually I gave up.

Fast forward to today and I'll admit, I am still struggling. I love the little church I now attend. The people are genuinely friendly, there are no airs and graces, what you see is what you get with folk and each and every person is valued and loved; and yet, I still struggle.

I struggle with how judgemental some can be, whilst totally ignoring their own faults. I struggle with how certain behaviours are accepted of some, but not others. I struggle with the belief that homosexuality can be healed; I genuinely feel insulted on behalf of my gay friends when I hear this. I struggle with people choosing to live together, but not marry, being coerced into marriage because it's the right thing to do. I struggle with churches setting up community projects of their own when such a project already exists and they could have just supported it and made it stronger. I struggle with so much.

So I guess the big question is, 'Do you call yourself a Christian?' and the answer is, I don't know. What I do know is this, I am a strong, independent individual. I am confident in who I am. I know what I want to do and how I want to achieve. I live life in the here and now and I live it to the full, grabbing opportunities with both hands. Above all, I refuse to be someone I'm not just to please other people. So yes, I struggle with faith, but I'm still me and I'm happy with the me I am.