Black or White

So here I am, using the blog for it's therapeutic qualities. It's one of, but not solely, the reason I started blogging in the first place. You see, I have a terrible habit of over thinking situations and if I don't verbalise them, or write them down, they go round and round my head and, in short, send me absolutely crazy; not good for anyone, least of all me.

It's been a tough few weeks, which have seen my stress levels hit a high they've not done for some time. I've lost 12 pounds in weight and my poor heart rate went through the roof at one point, ending up with me being prescribed beta blockers; I will not be on them for long, they are horrible and making me feel worse than ever, but I could probably write a whole post on that alone.


So what's got me feeling so stressed and upset? Well D, or rather D ending our relationship, with absobloodylutely no indication whatsoever. No warning, no discussion, just it's over. Now I realise it was only six months, but I still feel a mutual chat would have been fair, we might even have had a bloody good argument! Drop me after a couple of months with no notice, but six months in, at the very least an indication of a problem or two would have been appreciated. The problem lies not with me, but with the thought process of someone who only sees life as black or white. Whilst I understand it to a certain extent, it does cause problems for other people, especially those you are close to.

Don't get me wrong, I like things to be black or white, but I acknowledge that grey areas exist and in order for something to truly be black or white, you have to deal with that grey area, you have to solve it; once you've done that it can be transferred to black or white. By ignoring the grey area completely, you never truly deal with the issue. Effectively, you are stuck in a fight or flight mode, because dealing with the key issue is too much.

In a relationship, the black and white mindset can be destructive because you never take into account the other person's thoughts and feelings. Effectively leaving them in the biggest and most confusing grey area possible. It's unhealthy and it's unfair. It makes everything about you and not us. It makes my thoughts and feelings irrelevant. It makes me feel used and lost and hurt and bloody angry. Yes you read that right, angry and if you took the time to get to know me properly, you'd understand why I don't lose my temper often because it's not pretty, ask Martyn. If I agree with you, it's because you presented a good and valid argument that made me change my mind. I'm not afraid to admit I'm wrong.

I'm not looking for someone to be around me 24 hours a day 7 days a week, I love that you go off and do your own thing, it gives us stuff to talk about. I'm not wanting to move in together and live happily ever after for sometime yet. All I want, is to be loved, hugged, kissed, tolerated when I get over excited and start jumping and clapping my hands, and making fun memories. All of which we had.

Instead something that was good has been thrown away because you couldn't be bothered to talk about it. You didn't have the courtesy to try and fix it. Perhaps it wasn't fixable, but we'll never know because you ran from the issue and from me.

Right now, I'm lost, empty, confused and very, very hurt because you can't or won't give me any definitive answers, just excuses. Excuses that sound lame and which in hindsight, can be debunked. We have disagreed on stuff, I just didn't shout and scream. We did discuss the half marathon and the other events. I have a good memory, I remember these things. You've dumped me in a huge grey area, that I can't make sense of and I never will.

#ablogginggoodtime