Depression - My View

We're all different and we all view things differently. This is no less true of our individual experiences of depression and other mental health issues. There will be similar themes that run through our journeys, but none will be exactly the same. This is how I view depression, and how I try and explain it to people, or one of the ways.

As we all know by now, I live with depression. I was first diagnosed eight years ago and received some amazing CBT (Cognitive Behaviour Therapy) back then. Together with my medication, it has helped me to deal with the condition and to manage any episodes that I've had since my first diagnosis. That is until now. Now I have had my meds increased and am waiting for a fresh round of CBT. In my post Hippo Tours, I reflected on my depression and shared ways in which I was trying to manage it, or rather be distracted from it.

I know I will get better, but I also know that I will never be cured. I have a chemical imbalance in my brain, that's how it is. If I were epileptic, diabetic or asthmatic you would accept that I had a lifelong condition which would require medical intervention from time to time. You would accept that it affects my quality of life from time to time. You would support me fully when I was ill. You can't see the chemical imbalance in my brain. You tell me to think positive and change my mindset. Don't you think that's what I try to do? I, like the epileptic, the diabetic the asthmatic will not be cured of my illness, I will have to manage it with a combination of medication and therapy.

Am I OK with that? No. No I'm not. I don't want this. You see the problem with depression is, you never know when it might creep up on you and the more episodes I deal with the more I can cope with. I don't notice the first signs until it's too late.

I think of depression as a monster. When all is well, it is small and weak and kind of like a troublesome pet. You know what it's capable of, but you think you can control it.

But, as time goes on, there may be a little upset here, or something will go a bit pear shaped there, and that cute baby monster feeds on it and grows. This is where the danger lies. You need to catch it whilst it's feeding and take the issue away. You need to keep that monster little and manageable. This is what I am particularly rubbish at. I am forever putting others first and as a result, I don't notice what is going on with me. My monster grows, drawing on all my energy, isolating me from everyone I know and love. Very few people will stand by me during this because they don't understand what has happened to the normal, happy, laid back me; how can they when the first I know about it is the weight of the monster bearing down on me and eclipsing everything.

It feels to me as though I am quite literally sat alone in the shadow of a beast, hell bent on controlling me, by telling me I'm rubbish, I'm undeserving, no one wants me, anything that it can use to make me feel crap. I know what it's telling me is all lies, but it knows which buttons to push. Every day is another fight. I literally battle through each and every day, just to survive and it is exhausting. Thankfully, there are professionals out there who are able to help and this episode, like previous ones will come to an end.

What scares me, is knowing that I have to spend the rest of my life carrying this monster about with me and trying to control it. Trying to stop it from feeding and growing out of control again. Maybe it sounds extreme, to say that it scares me, but it does. Every time it happens someone else leaves me, unable to cope, at a time when I need their support the most. At a time when I need someone to hold me tight, tell me they love me and help me to fight the monster, because it's tough doing it alone and sometimes, yes I do want to give up, I get that tired.

This is my experience. This is the best way I know to try and explain it to those of you lucky enough not to understand. For those of you who do understand, you're not alone. You probably feel you are, I do, but we're not.