Moving Forward

I'm sat in front of this blank screen knowing I need to write something, but not knowing how to. Little Orange Dog has always been intended to be a creative outlet and a therapeutic tool for me, but I never wanted the therapy side of it to take over. That's not how it is at the moment though and honestly, I'm not sure how I'm going to get it back on track anytime soon. Each time I genuinely feel I've turned a corner and am on a clear path, a huge wall looms up ahead. If you read my post My Week on Beta Blockers, you'll know that I have already sought help, and so I was hoping things would get better, but it is just relentless.

I beat myself up over it regularly because I know I have all the tools and skills to deal with this situation, and yet I keep getting knocked back. I think, perhaps, I mean it's ever so slightly possible, that I am being too hard on myself and expecting too much of myself. I am my own worst enemy. I don't have time not to be OK and I don't like not being OK. Quite frankly, it sucks and I just want to get out of it. Being kind to myself is not a natural thing at all. I am my harshest critic and I expect way more of myself than I do anyone else.

For the past month I have tried and tried to concentrate on the positives. It's what I do and how I cope, with the depression I live with, usually. Usually, doing so lifts me enough to see that the negative is just a blip that will pass and that actually, I can change it. Usually. This time, it's different. I'm not sure why. I think perhaps I have been able to carry more for longer, or it's all just crept up on me and I'm exhausted.

I feel let down by almost every person I trusted. If nothing else, the past  few months have shown me the people who really are there for me, and to you I am truly grateful. It's difficult to walk away from people sometimes, but everything has a season and after much effort on my part, over a period of time, I have conceded defeat.

I have also conceded defeat on being able to deal with this on my own. It's not just one thing happening, there have been a number of little things over a period of time. Irrelevant of whether they have crept up, or if I were able to carry them for longer, they are now well and truly dropped, and the mess they've made is quite substantial; certainly too big for me to clear up alone. Perhaps you see that as a weakness. I don't. I see it as a positive (and if it's a positive it can be a strength), albeit one which friends have helped me to see, but I have still had to acknowledge that I need help, and there is no shame in that.

It's been a tough journey to get to the point of acknowledgement, and a huge amount of patience on the part of some. At the moment, I am taking one step forward and two back. I never really get very far. As soon as I pick up one of the dropped things, I drop something else. I thought I had to do this on my own, but I don't. Letting other people help me, friends (whom have stepped up from the most unlikely places), colleagues and professionals will make the job easier. I will get better, I will be stronger, I am not alone and I can move forward.

#ablogginggoodtime