Stronger

Well for someone whom had a completely empty diary a month ago, I'm doing quite well now. It's exactly one month today that I went for my assessment at The Maytree. I couldn't even have imagined what a huge turning point in my life it would be, but it became a lifeline which has, in turn, put me on a brand new path (complete with shiny new sign posts). That's not to say all the problems have gone away, I still have some pretty huge ones, but all I can do is reach out to professionals and hope they can help find a solution.


Last week and all, but one day this week, my diary is full. Now, I grant you, some of those 'dates' are appointments, but that's a good thing, and before you get carried away, none of those 'dates' is a 'date'. Anyway, it means I have to leave the house. I have to challenge myself; something I struggled with before my Maytree stay. Things are moving forward in a positive way.

Last week I spoke about being 'stronger,' and I am. I knew I would be. I am always stronger following an episode. This time though, I am stronger than I have ever been and I still have a way to go before I am fully in remission. You'll notice I used the term remission, as opposed to recovery. To me the term recovery implies that I am well and will never fall again. Remission implies that I may have another episode in the future. In fact, I am quite likely to, but hopefully next time I will have better support around me, and between us the signs may be recognised before I fall completely.

I've been out a lot and every time I speak to people this strength comes out. It's particularly interesting talking to other people who suffer with MH illnesses. You see, when we are in crisis (which may sound ridiculously dramatic to those of you who live healthy MH lives), when we can't cope with basic everyday tasks without them overwhelming us; when we break down in tears; when we can't leave our houses because the anxiety is crippling, we are seen as weak. How crazy is that? Weak and mental illness are terms which should absolutely never be used together. EVER!

If you knew how much strength it takes to get out of bed in the morning, would you call us weak? If you knew how much strength it takes to make sure the most basic of chores are done, would you call us weak? If you knew how much strength it took to turn up at work and pretend that we're fully functioning, would you call us weak? If you knew how much strength it takes simply to exist, would you call us weak? I don't think you would.

As you may, or may not know, I am a huge fan of Twitter. I will talk to anyone and everyone in Twitterland. OK let me be honest, I will talk to anyone and everyone full stop, be it real life or social media. Anyway, back to the point, I have a very lovely group of friends on Twitter http://www.mebecomingmum.co.uk/,  hooksanddragons.com,  https://pickinguptoys.com/ and of course the lovely http://www.mandycharltonphotographyblog.com/. There are lots more, but I'll be tagging all day if I include everyone. The other day we were having a random chat, about random crap, which we randomly tend to do most days. This particular random conversation led to us planning a theme park based around our MH issues and what it might look like. Bear with me here this is relevant, I know it doesn't seem it at the moment, but trust me.

Someone suggested a Ghost Train filled with all the crazy thoughts from our crazy heads because it would likely be the scariest place any of the visitors to our park would ever be. Even to me that sounds seriously scary because I know what's in my head!

It was a random, silly chat, as most of our chats are, but that part has really stuck with me. You see, that Ghost Train would show you just how far from weak we are. If anyone blessed with tip top mental health were to walk in our shoes for even a day, the likelihood is, they would shrivel up and sit rocking in a corner somewhere after just a few hours. Our strength is second to none. We are strong because we have to be. Our minds attack us constantly, some with images, some with voices, some with memories. All different, but all equally draining, all equally cruel and terrifying, all leading to a dark and lonely place. Every day is a battle when you're in crisis. It takes a remarkably strong person to fight that battle each and every day. Sometimes an episode will last a few weeks, other times, months or more. You can't survive that if you're weak. You have to be prepared to get up, and fight even if you don't want to. You have to be prepared for the next thing your head is going to throw up, the next lie, and you fight, and you fight, and you fight.

So yes, we are remarkably strong. I am strong and I am proud of all of us. What I ask of those of you who are fortunate not to be part of our crazy club, is never, ever tell us to pull ourselves together, we're not fragile snowflakes, we are warriors in the midst of a battle.

Oh and because this is all getting a little too serious, the image above is how I would like to look whilst I'm fighting my own personal battle. I may even invest in the outfit in preparation for future battles...just saying.