Dragonfly

If you've been reading the blog for a while, you may know I rather like dragonflies. Indeed, I have a dragonfly tattooed on my wrist, it's body is a semi colon, in honour of Project;. When I had my tattoo done, I had already suffered two 'episodes,' but never did I think that I would have one that would push me to want to end my own life.

When I was taking the full dose of my prescribed medication, I was literally bombarded by suicidal thoughts, every single minute of every single day. It was a terrifying experience. It was a lonely experience. I felt absolutely hopeless, and my much loved semi colon dragonfly became a huge irony to me. There I was wanting to die whilst carrying a symbol of hope on myself. At times, it felt as though my body were mocking me. Now I see that it was, in fact, my insane self mocking my sane self.

I chose a dragonfly for what it symbolises, click here to find out for yourself just how symbolic these beautiful insects are.

Today, I realised something new (get me), my dragonfly is indeed a symbol of change. Change within myself! So, rather that looking at the symbolism, I decided to look at their life cycle and I learnt something I wasn't fully aware of previously. Don't judge me, I was rubbish at science at school and only really liked physics. Anyway, I learnt that these fascinating insects are, indeed, a great inspiration for me as someone who lives with depression.

Now, had I bothered to learn more about the dragonfly previously, I would have understood the symbolism, much better, but hey, I got there eventually and as they say, better late than never!

What I discovered is that they go from egg, to larva (nymph), to dragonfly. They evolve, but the moult from nymph to adult dragonfly, can take up to fifteen moults before they finally emerge as an adult.

That's right fifteen moults before emerging as a beautiful, strong, agile adult. When I first read that, a light went on. I made a connection between my depression and the dragonfly. You see, as I've said before, each time I emerge from an episode, I am stronger. I am also changed. Just like the nymph. What I hadn't considered previously, is that like the nymph, I may have to go through a number of episodes in order to finally become the person I am meant to be. Unlike the nymph, I hope that should I have another episode, not only will I have the correct tools to deal with it, but I won't be dealing with it alone. Trust me, moulting on your own is tough, you need someone who will help you out of that old mess.

That little nymph has re-enforced something I learnt whilst at the Maytree. I cannot get my old life back. I can have elements of it, but it can never go back to being exactly as it was, because I am not that person anymore. As the nymph cannot return to it's watery home once it has clambered out, so we cannot return to the exact same life. We are changed and hopefully stronger. That doesn't mean I have returned home and everything and everyone is different. It is my outlook on life which is changed. I am stronger and I have a deeper understanding of the fragile nature of life, not to mention a greater appreciation of it. If I try to live exactly as I did before, I will fail. I will fall flat on my face.

So, I am going to be like the nymph. I am going to keep moving forward, knowing that one day, I will be perfected. One day I will emerge as a beautiful, strong dragonfly.

Who is going to join me on this journey and take inspiration from our little winged friend? We're not weak, we are in a state of transition, we are evolving into beautiful, strong, caring human beings.

Useful Links If you're struggling with an MH issue, or caring for someone who is, please visit these sites for more help:

Mind

Sane

Samaritans

Young Minds