An Open Rant to the Powers That Be.

It's been a while since I last posted. People who know me well will have worked out that this is a good (or rather, bad) sign that my MH is not quite as it should be, and it's not. It hasn't been for a good while; since I was signed off, unfit for work, by my GP and had to apply for Universal Credits. Wow! That's a whole new world I never expected to end up in and as a reasonably intelligent adult, may I say, I am finding it difficult and stressful to navigate. As a result, of that and the battle I now have to get my youngest the help she needs with her MH, my anxiety has shot through the roof once again and I'm a bit of a blubbering mess (understatment of the year).

Into Battle Once More

You may recall, I was a tad annoyed the other week when I received a written copy of my Mental Health assessment. It 's fair to say, it was absolutely appalling and I was left absolutely fuming and with little faith left in those who are supposed to care and help. If you missed that post, you can catch up with it here. I've not put that complaint in yet, but I am going to the hospital next week so will hand it in when I do.

However, today I find myself once again, channelling my inner Katniss Everdeen and entering the arena. The difference this time is I am also wearing my mumma bear hat, so I suggest anyone getting in my way, jolly well move themselves pretty darned quickly. This girl is well and truly on the warpath.

Celebrating Wednesday's #36

Hello everyone and welcome to the middle of February. Yes, I am fully aware of the date and, if you don't mind, I am going to ignore the obvious celebration and sit on my shelf with a cuppa. You see as well as it being 'that day,' it is also:

• Ferris Wheel Day
• Donor Day
• Cream Filled Chocolates Day
• Pet Theft Awareness Day

Personally, I think two of those are far more important than the very commercialised day everyone else is spending money on. That said, I would suggest not letting it slide if you have an other half who is a little sensitive about it, trust me, that's a can of worms you really don't want to open!

However, the day I have chosen for us to celebrate is one which kind of links back nicely to a post I wrote last week, Something for Tomorrow to encourage you all to take part in, Send a Card to a Friend Day.

An Alarming Incident!

It's half term and I have to say, it's started off with a wee bit more excitement than I had anticipated. More's the point, it has started with excitement, which, quite frankly, I could have done without. Let me start at the beginning though, because some excitement was expected.

On Friday, I waved goodbye to my eldest daughter. Actually, I didn't, the coaches that were taking herself and her cohorts to Paris hadn't arrived on time (for a change) and so, parents were politely asked to leave so that the teachers and school buses could access the car park. Anyway, back to the story, Miss. D was off to Paris for a French trip. One day in Paris and one day in Disneyland Paris. Jealous? Yes, me too! Back home Monday afternoon. I know she wasn't gone long, but Miss. L and I missed her and were really looking forward to her arriving home.

Losing Faith

It's fair to say, I've been through the mill, as the saying goes, over the last few months. I've reached depths I never thought I would or, indeed, could. I've discovered that I am a natural born fighter; that even when I've wanted to give up, throw the towel in and just end it all, I wouldn't allow myself to, at least not all the time I still had some fight left. If I weren't such a fighter, I guarantee, I would not be here now. Thankfully, I'm a stubborn cow, so you're stuck with me. Sadly for you, I will fight against anything which I feel is wrong, unhelpful or unfair.

Dragonfly

If you've been reading the blog for a while, you may know I rather like dragonflies. Indeed, I have a dragonfly tattooed on my wrist, it's body is a semi colon, in honour of Project;. When I had my tattoo done, I had already suffered two 'episodes,' but never did I think that I would have one that would push me to want to end my own life.

When I was taking the full dose of my prescribed medication, I was literally bombarded by suicidal thoughts, every single minute of every single day. It was a terrifying experience. It was a lonely experience. I felt absolutely hopeless, and my much loved semi colon dragonfly became a huge irony to me. There I was wanting to die whilst carrying a symbol of hope on myself. At times, it felt as though my body were mocking me. Now I see that it was, in fact, my insane self mocking my sane self.

Celebrating Wednesday's #35

It's Wednesday, it's the middle of the week and it's flipping cold outside. I don't know about you, but I am looking forward to Spring arriving in a few weeks. I don't mind the cold, but when it takes two hours to warm up after a twenty minute dog walk, well, need I say more?

Anyway, it is Wednesday, which means it's time to settle down with a cuppa and have a few minutes to yourself whilst we look at today's special day. If I may say so, I am just a little bit excited about today's day and I apologise for the number of photos I may use.

So without further ado, I present Wednesday's Special Day to you, which is...

Something for Tomorrow

As you all know, I have become just a wee bit passionate about all things Mental Health. I make no apologies, whatsoever. Let's face it, whether your mental health is good, or bad, we all have it and we need to take care of it, by looking after ourselves and those around us. Yep, that's right, we have a responsibility to look after those around us too. The problem is, we all lead such busy lives that we neglect to care for ourselves sometimes, let alone those around us.

Celebrating Wednesday's #34

Hello all and welcome to Wednesday! How has you week been? I'm struggling to keep up with what the day is, time seems to be flying by so fast at the moment. 

Anyway, it is Wednesday, and as always it has a special day which will hopefully give us something else to think about as we fight our way through hump day. 

So what are we celebrating today? Well, today is...

Stronger

Well for someone whom had a completely empty diary a month ago, I'm doing quite well now. It's exactly one month today that I went for my assessment at The Maytree. I couldn't even have imagined what a huge turning point in my life it would be, but it became a lifeline which has, in turn, put me on a brand new path (complete with shiny new sign posts). That's not to say all the problems have gone away, I still have some pretty huge ones, but all I can do is reach out to professionals and hope they can help find a solution.

This is Me!

Well I am going to own up now and say that this post is a wee bit of a cheat. You see, so much has happened and if I start typing it all out, well will likely still be here a month from now. Instead what I've done is a wee short video for you and I have no flipping idea if it's going to work or not, but hey let's just go for it anyway. What's the worst that can happen?

Celebrating Wednesday's #33

Well here we are three weeks into the New Year. Have you reverted to writing 2017 yet or are you still on a roll remembering it's now 2018? Anyway, here we are midway through the third week of a New Year and let's be honest, the weekend is still too far away, so let's settle down with a cuppa and find out what today's special day is.

I'm not sure if this is something to celebrate, or commiserate to be honest, but today is...

A Safe Place

It's no secret that I have been really struggling for the past few months. At the beginning, I tried reaching out to people, but when it didn't work the inevitable happened and I was caught in a downward spiral, not stopping until I hit rock bottom. Let me tell you, rock bottom is not a place you want to be. If you're unfortunate enough to have visited, you will know the emotional and physical pain that accompanies this hideous destination.

Being my own worst enemy, I then proceeded to beat myself up because I wasn't able to get myself better. I knew exactly what I should do, but the irrational side of me was shouting down my rational self. I felt weak, and thanks to my anxiety isolated, lost, alone and rejected by everyone. I felt that I wasn't worthy of being loved, I wasn't worthy to even breathe the air everyone else shares and really not worthy of living.

Celebrating Wednesday's #32

Welcome back to our little mid-week celebration. You may, or may not have noticed our absence (it's OK, we're not judging), but a wee break has been required. However, we're back up and running now and what better way to return to blogging than by celebrating the weird, wonderful or just plain random days of the year.

Today, is indeed a wee bit 'random,' though in some ways, a relevant day for me. So let's just dive in and begin celebrating this Wednesday's Special Day...