About Calories

Calories! The bane of most over 30's lives. They're the reason we watch what we eat and why some people choose to reduce themselves to a sweaty, Lycra clad mess, for an annual small fortune at a local gym. Not that I'm judging, if that's what floats your boat, then you go for it; I'd rather dress in a more flattering manner and trudge several thousand steps a day, come rain or shine (more shine) with our little orange doggy, but again, that's not everyone's cup of tea, especially when you factor in picking up poo. Anyway, back to the point, calories, those pesky things that stop us from even having one dessert, let alone the two we had back in our teens and twenties.

Not that it's a bad thing, we should all be trying to eat more healthily. As a general rule, I find it much easier to meet my five a day in the summer, that together with our now mainly vegetarian diet (the youngest turned veggie a while ago, and it's just easier for us to, kind of join in), but those calories still come calling.

Before I go any further I must add a wee disclaimer and say, I am NOT a nutritionist, in any way shape or form, and the following content is absolutely NOT designed to be taken seriously, so don't come running to me with complaints about poor advice and the fact you have now put half a tonne on by following my advice. Author, Fiona Morgan! Yes I am talking to you. To everyone else I am talking to you also, and telling you to check out Fi's amazing books 'Free' and 'What's Mine', it may also be an idea to buy an actual healthy eating book by a real nutritionist, whilst you're placing your order for Fi's books. Anyway, onwards and upwards, or should that be outwards?

Now as you may have guessed, Fiona is a good friend of mine, we share a lot of things in common, including a slightly odd sense of humour and we regularly ask one another for advice or reassurance, so when Fi was a wee bit concerned about her Maryland Cookie consumption, I was only too pleased to impart my knowledge of such things with her; and I think, it's fair to say, she was much happier once I had done so, indeed, if I may be so bold, I believe I have enlightened her somewhat! So much so, that I feel it only fair to share with you also.

Now the important thing to remember about any type of biscuit, is that they are crumbly and very prone to breaking. This is often thought of as a bad thing. However, it should be seen as a positive thing, because it's a well known fact that biscuits, or cookies, if you prefer, are bursting with a multitude of calories; there simply is no getting away from it, but the good news, as I told Fiona, is that broken biscuits contain no calories. Think about it, when something is bursting to the seams and you break it, the contents spill out, I should know, I've watched plenty of episodes of Dr. Pimple Popper (not sure that's the best example, but...). Fi was most grateful to me for this information, and proceeded to make all her Maryland's calorie free by smashing them.

Cake works in a very similar way, but will require you to slice it. Now, this is a lot easier if you have a whole, large cake which requires slicing, as the slicing action allows some of the calories to escape. It's worth noting though, that icing is sticky and, therefore, you will NOT eliminate all the calories, since some just get caught up in that sweet, creamy, deliciousness. It's also worth eating small cakes with a fork (if you're really posh, a dessert fork) as this will replicate the slicing action. At this point, I believed Fi was suitably impressed with my knowledge, and was probably considering popping out to buy up the entire stock of her local bakery. Instead, she threw a curve ball at me; clearly part of her was doubting my expertise in this area.

Crisps! Yes crisps! All the help and advice I'd given her and she throws a savoury snack at me! I thought we were friends? I thought she trusted my judgement. Luckily for me, I know about such things, because these little potato snacks are crafty little buggers. You open up a family bag, thinking, 'I'll just have a couple,' and before you know it, they're gone! All is not lost though, you have to treat the crisps with the respect they deserve, because they will attempt to catch you out, but knowledge is power. As I explained to Fi, crisps are notoriously delicate. It takes very little to break them, this means a large number of calories escape during transit, and when you open that bag up you are at serious risk of inhaling said calories and gaining at least ten pounds! For this reason, I strongly advise you to invest in a mask, maybe one of those industrial ones, complete with filter bits on the sides (if you know what I mean). Open the pack, with your mask on, wait two minutes, then remove said mask, and enjoy.

Fiona didn't throw any more strange snacks at me, so I can only surmise that she is a) blown away by my extensive knowledge, b) eating the entire contents of her food cupboards or c) actually getting on with some editing work on her third book. Whilst she was doing that, I walked the dog then indulged in some very healthy scrambled eggs for breakfast...feeling just a bit hypocritical now.

If you have any tips on how to rid food of calories, do let us know in the comments section and please remember, this is just for fun. If you really want to watch the calories, consult a nutritionist, dietitian, other health professional, or just cut out the high calorie foods, because a balanced diet with exercise is a healthy diet.